What do beach breaks conjure up for you?  Hideous package holidays, towering apartment blocks and disturbingly familiar foods on the Costa Del Sol or exclusive beaches, prohibitive prices, raked sand and swaying palm trees disturbed only by city boys braying on their mobile phones?

In the words of the immortal Gavin and Stacey, to be honest with you, neither are really our cup of tea. But today, we are going to let you in on the secret formula to beach perfection.  'Beach perfection' is indisputably a factor of (1) Out-of-the-way-ness, (2) Un-exclusivity, (3) doped out travellers, (4) pitch angle of beach, (5) hawkers, (6) temperature and (7) mortality.  Let me expand:

F(Out-of-the-way-ness): The harder it is to get to, the better.  If it involves three hours on the back of a pick up truck on a rutted dusty jungle road then the signs are good.

F(Un-exclusivity): Exclusive beach resorts are hideous inventions that close the traveller off from the local people, economy and vibrant culture.  What you are looking for here are a few local restaurant options and an interesting little village to go and explore.

F(Doped out travellers): Too many travellers slurping magic mushroom shakes, furiously calculating during their brief moments of lucidity exactly how many weeks their bag of weed is going to last them means one thing - this beach was once a gem, but the druggy traveller brigade has moved in. Avoid.

F(Pitch angle of sea-bed): Don't ask, I had to remember sohcahtoa to work this one out. Ok, so here is the math, you want to get to 2m of depth for 15m of wading.  Any greater and you start risking waves (no good for floating on your back).  Any less and you will be wading out for half an hour before you can swim.

F(Hawkers): This factor is extremely sensitive to fluctuations above 1 hawker per 100 square meters per hour. Beach hawkers serve a useful function in providing fresh pineapple, cool drinks and massages.  However to be disturbed from your well thumbed copy of The Art of War more than once per hour is disastrous.

F(Temperature): Ah, a complex formula involving  the average daily temperature, the average fluctuation in temperatures and the difference between air and sea temperatures. Do not dispute this formula, it is fact.

F(Mortality): In its first incarnation the formula omitted this factor, intelligent travellers applied their own mathematical genius and journeyed like lemmings to Port Douglas beach in Australia. Unfortunately a combination of a killer rip tides, estuarine crocodiles, deadly jellyfish, sharks and falling coconuts wiped out a whole generation of travellers.  So be warned, taking mathematical formulas at face value without an appropriate degree of scepticism can be severely damaging to your health.

For those wishing to apply the formula to find their own beach nirvana, the detailed calculation is as follows:

1. F(Out-of-the-way-ness): Must be GREATER THAN 2hrs from nearest paved road
2. F(Un-exclusivity): Must be EQUAL TO 0 exclusive resorts and GREATER THAN 3 local restaurants per beach.
3. F(doped out travellers): Must be LESS THAN 3 dpb (dope heads per beach)
4. F(pitch angle of beach): Must be EQUAL TO 7.6 degrees(from the horizontal)
5. F(hawkers): Must be EQUAL TO 1 hawker pch (per 100m2 of beach per hour)
6. F(temperature) Average daily celsius MINUS standard deviation of daily celsius MINUS Air to sea temperature differential must be GREATER THAN 20°
7. F(mortality): Must be LESS THAN 1 dpa (death per annum)

Unfortunately we can't show any examples of beach nirvana because if we did it would create a circular reference in the formula by adversely affecting the un-exclusivity and probably countless other factors too. Given this unfortunate absence of proof, we would like to pitch the following as examples of thoroughly good beach holidays you should consider for your holiday this year:

The hidden gem that is the Andaman Islands - Remote, hard to reach and boasting “Beach no. 7”, which, despite the prosaic name, has been repeatedly voted one of the best beaches in the world. To truthfully describe any tropical island as “unspoiled” is becoming increasingly difficult, but Havelock Island is one of the few still worthy of that epithet.

Eco beach lodges in Mozambique - Named by the Observer newspaper as one of the top 20 deserted beaches in the world. (Well The Observer got that one wrong because it isn't deserted, if it was how would you be staying on it?) Anyway, logical conundrums aside, Mozambique is the up and coming alternative beach destination.  There are a number of beach lodges boasting hammocks, ethical roots, reasonable prices and a chilled out vibe and this is one of the best.

A beach on a very special lake? OK this fails the un-exclusivity factor as there is only space for 14 guests.  But Mumbo on Lake Malawi is special. Perfectly located for combining with a little safari in Liwonde National Park or some blissed out kayaking and camping around the islands.

Blatant product push over, do you dare dispute the formula?

Images courtesy of Flickr User quinn.anya and bbjee